Kait Payne

A lesson in humility would serve us all well. I can’t comprehend what it feels like to be anybody but me… sometimes it’s hard to put others in front of myself, namely because taking care of myself emotionally and physically will always be my animal instinct, ego aside. Sometimes I am unaware of what I could be doing to better serve others, and sometimes I do a really great job of catering to other peoples’ needs.

I am extremely bothered lately, though, by the overwhelming abundance of arrogance and entitlement that I see all around me. Yes, I am arrogant far too often, too, I know. That said, I feel like my subconscious has been on a little internal soapbox about the issue lately, and I don’t really know what to do with it aside from let the frustration fester (not worth it). What makes anyone think that they are better or more worthy than another human being? I. don’t. understand.

I wish people cared more about being kind and respectful. I wish that saying “You are being unkind and you are not acting out of love” prompted change in a mother berating her young child or in an elementary school bully or in a couple who accepts violence as a social norm. 

Who decided that it was okay to cheat on schoolwork or take undue advantage of systems and processes set in place to help those who need them or take credit for a job that you did not do? Because it’s not okay at all and some people think it is.

ALSO, while I’m on a roll, my knee really hurts and I don’t know why and I want to know what causes all these mystery pains because they don’t make sense.

I needed to get all of that out of my system, but, to be clear, things are great overall. Really, really great. :)

I keep a real journal at home. Not the kind where you go on and on about your feelings or talk about the weather or anything… just the kind that I write in every couple of months or so to jot down what has been happening in my life and mostly praise God for getting me successfully through another few weeks so I don’t forget how lucky I am.

Sometimes, (and this is one of those times), I have so much going on that by the time I get through writing about one little thing in my journal, I’ve forgotten the other eleven things I meant to write about. I had a high school science teacher tell me once that I should learn to take notes in cursive because I write very slowly, and I think she was right. Turns out I write slowly in cursive, too. And even though I type significantly faster, I still type with a grand total of two index fingers and a ring finger specifically assigned to the “return” key. I’m forever destined to be slow, I guess.

Anyway, here are some things:

1. I’m sitting in my office because my laptop backlight is broken and I can only use it when it’s hooked up to a monitor with a zillion cables… I don’t feel like plugging them back in tomorrow morning so I thought I’d just write this here and leave my stuff at work. I think they’re doing construction down the hall because it sounds like the walls are going to crash in at any moment.

2. I posted a note on Facebook last November about how I was going to see an old friend back in Marietta who I hadn’t seen in almost 4 years and I was so excited. I have known him since I was 13 years old. That friend was a certain Andrew Creamer, and I love him.

3. I started a new job last month that I still can’t believe I got and it’s put me in the position to write an article in a magazine that will end with “Kait Payne, Editor-in-Chief”, which is just crazy.

4. In less than eight days, Andrew and I will be flying out to Oregon for the grandest 8 day adventure with our friends Cara and Chris. We are backpacking through Crater Lake National Park and eating pancakes and toast with apple butter and probably having more fun than reasonable people have ever had.

5. I got to hang out with my oldest/best friend who might as well be my sister yesterday. We ate Jamaican food and laughed really hard and watched a video of a dog running in boots over and over and then I got to hold her little girl for the better part of a half hour while she cooed at me. It was the greatest.

6. I am now quite sure that the walls are about to come crashing in on me.

Until next time!

When I want to know something, I look it up. I am insanely, unabashedly curious about the world around me and it’s become a joke for Andrew to ask me if I’m going to “Google it” whenever I use the phrase “I wonder…” in almost any context. I am discontent not knowing things.

That should speak for the joy I got today from spending all day learning and writing about a company that makes art. I woke up with a goal, I learned, I created, and now I have an almost 600-word article that I am proud of, and that will hopefully get me a really great job later this week. If I don’t get the job, it won’t be for lack of trying, and I’m happy with that. It felt good to feel like I was contributing to something again.

Now if only I could get my back to readjust itself, I think I would have an excellent night’s sleep. :)

It’s amazing how when you begin working on something that sometimes you forget about entirely, your continuous effort makes you want it more and more. I am getting better about being patient, but the more progress I make, the more I want greater patience. It is, in many ways, an exercise of faith.

I get excited about things very, very easily. By nature, I also get over things very, very easily… which means I get let down a lot when things inevitably fail, but I get over them quickly. Those little things add up over time, though, and sometimes I am left feeling unproductive and dejected. I have been working hard to change my thinking so that instead of getting let down for small failures, I thank God for closing some doors as He makes the way to open others. I am so loved that He will work everything for my good, no matter what I think I am doing to either deserve it or fall short.

That being said, when I look forward to the weekends so much, it is hard to be patient during the week… although I feel incredibly lucky to have something so special to look forward to. :)